A reader writes:
I could use help with handling a work friendship that is going through some ick.
Lou is a remote worker (now in another country) whom I have never met in person. Shortly after he started a few years ago, we became close friends even with that distance. We’ve provided personal and professional support to each other, especially with our mental health struggles (ADHD/PTSD for him, anxiety for me). We chat online frequently about personal issues and about the projects we work on together.
This past year he has gone quiet a few times, usually when dealing with personal issues. By quiet, I mean he stops daily personal chats and check-ins. It affects me as his “disappearance” is sudden and without explanation before or after. I haven’t addressed with him how this affects me because being direct is something I’m still working on and I don’t want him to feel poorly about it if he’s struggling.
Six weeks ago, he “disappeared” again, only interacting with me regarding work issues. I’ve chatted to him a few times that I’m concerned and checking in and he either doesn’t respond or just talks about something else without acknowledging my post. I alternate between trying to be an understanding supportive friend and feeling hurt and angry.
It’s clear to me that he is not going to talk about it which is hard as we have talked about everything. But I also get sometimes we can get into a mental health space where we just can’t. If that’s the case, I’d appreciate even something as simple as “I’m struggling and can’t talk right now but will try to when I feel better” — just something to acknowledge that yes, something is up and he’ll be back when he can be.
Now to the main issue. A new project is ramping up and we will need to work together closely again. I’ve decided not to keep checking in as I’ve made it clear I’m here if he wants to talk and additional checking in could just add pressure and make things worse. However, if we need to meet (virtually) 1:1 to discuss work stuff, there will be an elephant in the room — at least for me.
Normally, I would want to at least acknowledge that there’s an elephant present (i.e., his lack of personal interactions like before) but I’m concerned it could just make things worse. Yet not acknowledging it feels fake.
Any suggestions on how to address this (or even if I should) in our next meeting? I’m ready to leave it up to him now regarding our friendship, but still need to be able to work professionally while dealing with my anger and hurt in therapy.
If you talk to people on Lou’s side of this — people who periodically “disappear” from their friendships for mental health reasons — they will consistently tell you this: It’s them, not you, and the kindest thing you can do is not to take it personally. When it happens, it’s because they’re struggling in some way (often depression, sometimes something else). Yes, everyone on the receiving end of it would appreciate a note like the one you want (“I’m struggling and can’t talk right now”) but one of the defining features of this kind of retreat is that people in the midst of it often can’t. Sometimes that’s because they’re barely staying afloat doing the things required to keep their jobs and feed themselves, sometimes it’s because their depression is telling them no one wants to hear from them, and sometimes it’s something else.
That doesn’t mean that you just need to accept that in a friendship. It’s a gift to the person who’s struggling if you can, but it’s also okay for you to decide it’s too difficult on you or it’s just not a relationship that works for you, and you can decide to distance yourself. You’re allowed to do that!
But either way, I strongly recommend that you not take it personally; don’t be angry, don’t be hurt, don’t make his silence An Issue between you. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s almost certainly not about you in any way. “Don’t be hurt” in this situation means “choose to see that Lou’s behavior is a sign he’s struggling, rather than happening at you.”
Of course, that all assumes that you know Lou well enough to know that’s what’s really going on. If this were a different set of circumstances — if you could see him online being a gregarious social butterfly with everyone but you, or if he kept picking fights with you before going silent, or if it seemed like he was reacting to something you said or did — I’d give different advice. But from everything you’ve said, this is about Lou’s mental health, not a reflection of his feelings about your friendship.
As for what that means for the work relationship … don’t address his going quiet. You’ve already tried to do that in a social context, and he ignored it. Trying again as part of the new project you’re working on together would be using work to force him to talk about a social situation that he’s already indicated he doesn’t want to talk about. This is part of the deal with work friendships — if something happens in the friendship, you’ve still got to carry on working together, and you can’t bring any friendship awkwardness into the work piece of things. He knows you want to talk about what happened, because you communicated that. He’s declined. You shouldn’t use the work context to push it again.
Does that suck? Yes! And if Lou tries to resume the friendship at some point, you might conclude that it’s not a dynamic you’re up for anymore. But meanwhile, assume he’s doing the best he can with whatever’s going on, mentally reassign him to the category of “colleague I have good will toward but not a deeper relationship with at this moment in time,” and approach the project through that framework.
from Job opportunity – My Blog https://ift.tt/T1skw4E
via IFTTT
Aucun commentaire:
Enregistrer un commentaire